Why Most Men Don’t “Hear” Women
“The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT.” – Alfred Brendel
We don’t need to regurgitate scientific studies to
demonstrate that most men are poor listeners… just ask the nearest woman
to you.
On the otherhand, some men consider themselves to be an excellent
listeners. Research can suggest it depends on their personality or
cogntive recognition.
Many men are subpar listeners in relationships. Science has confirmed it multiple times.
So, why is this exactly? While we discuss why most (not all!) men are
poor listeners from a relationship and gender angle, some of the
reasons discussed transcend that relationship.
In so doing, perhaps we may be able to help two groups of people: (1)
the potentially-troubled male listener, and (2) women in a relationship
with #1!
Let’s get after it.
Here are 10 reasons why most men don’t “hear” women:
1. Expecting mutual agreement
See, women are often right…but not always.
Sometimes in a
committed relationship, it is common for a woman to “expect” a sort-of
mutual understanding on a variety of things.
This is kind of a touchy topic since, in the beginning, the man
seemed to agree to the majority of what the woman was saying. Once a
relationship develops, however, a man has less “incentive” to concede
and feels more comfortable speaking his own mind.
It’s healthy for two people to not always share the same opinion on
matters. No need to argue, just accept the other’s point of view.
2. Not “getting to the point”
Women are fond of iterating details that seems, to them, a way of
heightening intimacy. In a very real way, this perspective carries
merit. Details in and of themselves
are intimate in nature. However, men are not particularly adept at staying “tuned in.” Men are more comfortable with
the point of a dialogue as opposed to the finer details.
Perhaps the best way to go about this is to pose a question first,
and THEN fill in the finer details. This allows the man to “connect the
dots” and should give ample enough time to form an opinion.
3. Trying too hard to impress
A man is already impressed with you, as he is already WITH you.
As such, it is not necessary to continually “prove your worth” by rehashing things that seem impressive. By natural design, men feel an obligation to provide for themselves and their loved ones.
Part of this means accepting the fact that men are more comfortable
with achievement and status amongst peers, rather than with their
partner.
4. He’s busy doing something
Not all men are very good multitaskers. If a man happens to be
preoccupied with something, it is best to be patient and allow him to
complete the task first. It doesn’t matter if it’s a football game, a
nap, or something else.
Be patient and make sure your man is ready to listen.
5. Insistence on venting
Venting is something that men can be tremendously
uncomfortable with. The reason is that, while we want to
support you,
we’re a bit taken aback by the slew of information that is being
directed towards us. Again, men are not as comfortable with engaging in
emotional dialogue as women are.
Chalk another one up to evolutionary design.
6. Expecting mutual interest
This one is somewhat similar to the problems with assuming mutual
agreement. Many (many) couples already have a solid understanding as to
what makes the other person “tick.” However, when a novel situation
arises, it may be tempting to revert back to that honeymoon phase where
we both anticipate a consensus to just about anything.
7. He’s confused
Men are very linear thinkers, in general. Women have a talent for
constructing abstract thoughts and subsequently verbalizing them. When
men are caught up with a whirlwind of competing thought processes, they
are easily confused; finding it difficult to both sustain attention and
deliver appropriate feedback.
Give some time and space, let him compose his bearings, and then explain what’s going on.
8. Real or perceived “nagging”
Here’s another touchy topic. What women perceive as appropriate
dialogue; a man can construe as pointless. Due to the fact that men are
not as good of listeners, we’re more apt to simply label such a one-way
conversation as “nagging.”
Many reasons can be attributed to this perception; mainly that men
are sometimes unequipped to engage in conversation that is anything
beyond the typical. Regardless, it benefits both persons to “check in”
with each other to ensure mutual understanding. It helps to cut off any
potential distractions as well.
9. Expecting “friend-like” communication
For the most part, two people in a relationship communicate very differently with each other than with other people. Women seek to be understood more than men do, in general. As such,
female conversations with
female friends and associates is bound to be more laden with empathetic emotion and mutual understanding.
Carrying this anticipatory expectation into a dialogue with a man,
however, rarely results in something constructive. As mentioned, men
just view the overall point of communication differently than most
women.
10…And then there’s texting….
Not much elaboration needed here. Texting about anything else than
trivial matters is not a good form of communication between two people
involved in a relationship.
Hopefully, with the differences cited here, we can all understand why.
10 Reasons Most Men Don’t Listen
Men are fundamentally different than women. Yet, a recent study showed
that men and women speak about the same number of words per day on
average. The stereotype that men are mostly mute and women are
chatterboxes is just a stereotype. The conversations may be different.
As this study showed, in general, men spoke about sports and gadgets
while women mostly spoke about relationships.
Men
and women tend to approach problems differently and have their own
coded languages. Most people, men and women, do not listen to
understand. They hear and are already concluding what needs to be
replied. Both, men and women, are constantly ready to exchange ideas or
opinions. The only difference with men and women in terms of
communication is that women are emotional beings. Men are not always
driven by their emotions. They need a beginning, middle and ending in a
quicker manner.
Here are some of the Reasons men don’t listen:
Men Don’t Understand What Women Want
Women,
in general, speak with emotions that men cannot decipher at times. Men
tend to be direct when they want or need something. Women need to
rationalize, express and process through words and how they feel. Men
need to get down to the point. Often times, when a woman wants to be
heard she has a hard time expressing exactly what it is that she needs.
Women are moved by how others feel. They don’t want to hurt others. They
are nurturing and deeply aware of their surroundings.
Author, John Gray of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, says that, “When
a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and
frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to
express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she
feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the
loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and
encouragement that he needs.”
Men Can’t Handle The Dumping
The
art of conversation requires not just listening but understanding what
is being said. Men call it “dumping” and may feel that their woman is
essentially unloading all of her emotional baggage onto him. Because men
are genetically wired differently, they feel overwhelmed by all the
emotions. A man begins to feel frustrated because he can’t “fix” the
issue or problem. It isn’t that he’s not hearing what his counterpart
has expressed. It’s just that he can’t resolve to a quick solution in
order to ease her stress. And to him, this sort of venting is
challenging. It feels as if he’s being attacked. Men don’t process their
emotions very well and they usually have their own stress in a giant
backpack that has to be unloaded. It’s not that they aren’t listening.
It’s just that they are protecting themselves from their own emotional
turmoil that they can’t release the same way that a woman can.
Women Want Agreement
Most
women deal with a million issues in a 24 hour time period. They are
mothers, employers, business owners, wives, daughters, and a hundred
other positions. Sometimes what they want is to be held and feel
acknowledge for all that they do. They just want to feel that they are
doing the best job possible. A woman wants to know that her man is the
last person to take her for granted. Men carry their own hats in a day.
They tend to check out because they need to forget all that they
endured. A woman needs validation to feel nurtured and when she asks for
an opinion it is because she is self-conscious or doubting her own
ability to make the right choices.
Women Don’t Want A Man To Fix Her
Men
like to fix things. When a woman goes to her man with a problem but
tells him that she doesn’t want it fixed the man tunes out. Men want to
attack an issue and put it to rest. They aren’t able to analyze it and
try to figure out fifty ways to overcome it. He just wants her to be
happy. The moment a woman relates to her man that he is not to fix the
problem, that man will stop listening and focus on something that can
actually be fixed.
Men Are Thinking About Something Else.
Aman
can be sitting quietly or driving his vehicle deep in thought about
something that is important to him. He may even have his headphones on
listening to music or a podcast while thinking. Men are not
multitaskers. They tend to focus like a laser on whatever it is they are
doing. So they tend to tune out anything that isn’t the thing that they
are working on or thinking about. They aren’t ignoring their women.
They are simply in their own head space. If a woman wants to be heard
she needs to make the point to get his undivided attention in a loving
fashion.
Emotional Response
John Gray says about men: “Love
brings up our unresolved feelings. One day we are feeling loved, and
the next day we are suddenly afraid to trust love. The painful memories
of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting and
accepting our partner’s love.” Men have a tendency of feeling
overwhelmed by the nurturing of love. They begin to check out
emotionally as a survival instinct. It’s up to the woman to make time to
ask about him and his needs. If she feels unheard then she needs to
also show her partner the same respect she expects in being
acknowledged. Men hate nagging. They tune that out immediately.
Men Hate To Be Interrupted
Let’s
face it, most women can out talk a man. When she’s in the middle of
sharing and then asks for an opinion but his opinion doesn’t size up to
what’s in her head, she will continue bulldozing her way in the
conversation. Men do not like to be shutdown or interrupted. It takes
two to tango in a relationship and in a conversation. It’s not all
one-sided. Remember that the word “listen” has the same letters as the
word “silent.”
Men Are In Another Room
Women
are constantly multitasking. They can be unloading the dishwasher,
making dinner, feeding a child, and talking about everything that
happened in their day. Her partner may be in another room, and although
she is talking out loud, he really can’t hear what she’s saying. He can
hear her talking loudly but he just can’t make out what she’s trying to
convey. If you want to have a meaningful conversation with him wait to
have him in front of you.
Men Just Aren’t Interested In Gossip
Men
really could care less what happened in the celebrity world. They don’t
care what happened to your co-worker with her husband. Your partner
wants to know about you. He wants to hear you talk about your dreams,
your life together and what pertains to his immediate world. On rare
occasions will you hear him talk about his friends or their issues. If
you can’t stand listening to him ramble on about video games, cars,
sports or work, you can imagine how he feels about something that
doesn’t pertain to him. Men get bored easily with these type of
conversations.
Women Tend To Be All Over The Place
When
a woman is overstressed her train of thought bounces around from
subject to subject. Your man may be sitting there trying to grasp the
connection but he just can’t find it. He becomes lost in the rambling of
your thoughts. And, immediately he starts to run through his own day
and to-do list. Men have a hard time juggling so much. It is
uncomfortable for them. They prefer to talk about one subject at a time
not five different ones that are loosely connected by how they made
their woman feel. It is best to stay on one topic at a time when having a
conversation with your man. He would greatly appreciate it.
Men,
just like women, require attention. When speaking to your man use words
of praise, speak in a loving manner, show that you care about him the
same way you want to be loved and be authentically interested in what he
has to say as well. Conversations are a two-way street. Listening is
truly an attitude of the heart. It requires full participation from both
parties.
%2Brelationships%2Bwith%2Bparents%2Band%2Bsiblings..jpg "20 Things To Do When You’re 30 That Will Make Life Better At 50 - Maintain (or repair) relationships with parents and siblings.")
